I get these constant reminders about the life and how fast it's passing and how much less time I've in my hand. How people achieved great things by the half my age and here I'm still wondering whether I'd ever be able to achieve something written on my virtual and mental todo lists.
I am tired of not doing anything. Doing a lot but ultimately achieving nothing in the end. It seems I've never focused on one thing completely. I've spent countless hours on the things that we still not out for the world to see. They're all there in my harddrives or countless other places that I put my notes on - the notes app, todo manager, email draft, at least 6 different places in my telegram account, then WhatsApp self notes, Google docs, one drive backup files. Even hand written notes and mind maps.
I see people wrote books, read hundreds of pages a day, did preaching, tought and prayed, played and indulged in poetry. All with some sign of productivity.
For me, this productivity is zero. Or so does it seem. My sleepless mind is just wandering around at this moment of the night I know, but still I am awake at least as much to know how irresponsible, unproductive and knowingly lazy I am.
I took deliberate steps to write everyday, made new year resolutions and prayed. Not sure why it's not working. No wait - I know why. It's all a buzz of distraction for me. People get on a track and keep repeating things manually. And me , first thing I do is to try and automate stuff that I've to do.
I often recall Zack's comment on somebody who irritating-ly commented to a project where people had started to shout for Nastaleeq clothing for the UI, he said "koi achhal Kam shuru hota ni aur log Nastaleeq ki rat laga dete hain."
And that "Blog doesn't have a single post but font should be Nastaleeq".
Gyaan_vaapi mosque verdict and other ongoing problems triggered today's sleepless night. I had been thinking of doing some actual dawa work since the beginning of the ruling party but hah to me and double hah to these precious 10 years that I did nothing. Nada.
I still have those notes from the Dawah camp of 2010. I vividly remember M. Kaleem Siddiqui arrival in Ismailpura mosque and the tashkeel where people passionately pledged for Dawah to their friends, colleagues and neighbours. I didn't have friends then, but I had a clear idea of what I'd do the day I'll have some.
Now I do have friends and colleagues but they're just the observers. I've been the passive daaii, that I'll give to myself. But what I thought I should have been isn't a finished business. It is not. The interview I thought I would conduct, they're still in pending list. The phone calls I thought I'd make someday to remember my old days , they're not longer available as their numbers are lost to the time. Maybe tracing back on Facebook groups or LinkedIn will lead me to them someday and I'll get my chance.
I'm thinking I should just add all my todos and make them a public record. Maybe I won't be there long enough to cover this list. Not that I haven't already added them, the resolutions are the prime examples. But still if I have an extensive list at one place then it's probably help me focus on a few things every now and then, instead of wandering about in the pool of my own thoughts procrastinating endlessly.
I need to arrange the notes on mobile, clean it up and then add them all to one todo list. The master one. Clearing clutter from everywhere and then try to close on the things that are about ready for release.
Hah! I just remember that I've done this planning countless times and now the only difference is I'm documenting it right now.
There's one more fear - losing everything of I keep it at one place. I had writer-monkey for this exact reason.
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Shakeeb Ahmad
4:54am-5:18am, Feb 6, 2024